Breaker! Breaker! is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It’s one of those films that’s so bad that it transcends reality, breaching a level of terrible rarely achieved by accident. I think the crew tried to make this film stupid, because something this phenomenally awful had to take serious thought. It was as if they admonished any positive thought or idea in the process of making this film, instead shooting for a piss-poor product that isn’t worth the bandwidth it takes up on the internet. Do not watch this film, I repeat, do not watch this film. For those who heed my warning, you can stop reading now. For the sake of those who are intrigued by my disclaimer, continue on. But please, don’t watch this film.

This film stars Chuck Norris sporting a bucket-cut hairdo, bell bottoms, and a face so devoid of facial hair you swear it must be a different person. After all, doesn’t Chuck have a reputation for having a white-knuckled fist hidden inside his beard? If this film is any indication, I wouldn’t think twice about it. Chuck, playing a character named John Dawes, fights his villains as an afterthought and seemingly in slow motion. When he does fight, he’s usually rolling around in the mud cuddling his foes or gingerly placing them in trash cans. The choreography is sorely lacking in these scenes, and while they are plentiful, they rarely engage. Chuck Norris is an action star, so why watch this if the action isn’t exciting. Is the plot worthy of our time? The answer is a definitive no.

The plot exists as a thin trail that leads Dawes from one set piece to the next. The Judge (George Murdoch, masticating all that stands in his path) plays dictator over a small hick town in the south of California. Hillbilly clichés run rampant in these parts: The average man can build an engine from a toothpick and dust, pit stains are the norm, and everyone needs a visit with Bill W. and his friends at AA. The townsfolk captured Dawes’ brother because of the rig he was driving: Tons and tons of steel worth plenty at the nearby factory. Along the way, Dawes falls in love with the Judge’s daughter (Terry O’Connor), leads the bumbling sheriff on a painfully dull car chase through the desert, and even befriends the village idiot. All this and a bag of chips.

I often find something to like in the films I view. Sometimes, I’ll find a story to be dull but the accompanying score compelling. Other times, the acting may be stale but the cinematography awe-inspiring. In this film, all you get is strung-out banjos and sets designed by a guy named Thomas Thomas. There is no way that man has ever existed.

I cannot recommend this film to anyone. This will be the first (and hopefully only) film that I will “merit” a zero star rating.

Just for the hell of it, my favorite scene: A nameless, faceless trucker heads for a roadblock clearly barricaded with wooden gates. Once he crashes through the barricade that is clearly made of wood, a blue truck goes flying through the air and explodes in the ravine. Then, the trucker never reappears. What the hell just happened?

Kyle Kogan is a film critic living in Chicago.

Comments (1)

On January 31, 2011 at 4:36 PM, Laura wrote...

Liked your review. My family and I just sat through “Breaker! Breaker!” for the laughs and that it was a train wreck of a movie. It had a certain creepiness as well: the creepy doll bar with the barmaid dressed up as a doll who did nothing but giggle, the judge mauling his grandson while sitting in a chair (shudder) those elements gave us the creeps.

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